What a great feeling it is to be whole again. I have surrounded myself with a small group of great friends that have my best interest at heart. My girls are happy... Kobi is now in college on the East Coast creating a life that she has longed to live and Kelli, a sophomore enjoys school and the perks of feeling like an only child.
It's amazing the way life pulls you. I went from having no time for myself while caring for everyone else to having a plethora of time with hardly a thing to do some days. I am more familiar with myself and I know what I like. Simple things make me happy. Now I set daily goals for myself, nothing too strenuous and it's not everyday. My list must be complete and I hold myself accountable which I like. Yesterday after work, it was... make dinner & eat, wash my hair, workout, read, write in my journal, pray, tidy up the girls room (since they are away), relax, watch football and get to bed at a decent hour.
It was enough for me. My heart was calm, I didn't feel pressured and my tasks were complete. I have learned over the last two years and I literally live by this...If it doesn't feel good in my heart or my spirit then I will not do it. No need to contemplate at all, I simply forget about it or revisit it at a later time. Life is much easier this way. Living life on my terms.
Find your tempo if you haven't already. A glide in your footsteps that God has created just for you. It becomes a peaceful stride.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Evolving... The process
My process of evolving and growing as an individual has been life changing. I know it sounds redundant but allow me to explain. I could see and feel it as it happened every step of the way. It felt like I stepped outside of myself and I was looking myself in the eyes.
Training myself to move at a gentle pace that is soothing for my soul instead of constantly moving at light speed was a challenge for me. It's what I was accustomed to. It takes a while to undo what became my normal way of life over the past 20 years. Although I am living in the present, looking at my future, I purposely reference my past so "then and now" can be seen. I do not live in the past. As a matter of fact, typing on my blog is probably the only time it is referenced. I believe this is healthy in moving forward in life.
First, I began moving slowly, observing myself. I was told that the total time that I was married should be cut in half and that is the amount of time that it will take to heal. Another 10 years? I decided to cut that in half and then cut it in half again. Two and a half years...I'm here.
This may not work for everyone but it works for me and this is in no particular order...
SELF LOVE is what is important and I note this with all humility.
Training myself to move at a gentle pace that is soothing for my soul instead of constantly moving at light speed was a challenge for me. It's what I was accustomed to. It takes a while to undo what became my normal way of life over the past 20 years. Although I am living in the present, looking at my future, I purposely reference my past so "then and now" can be seen. I do not live in the past. As a matter of fact, typing on my blog is probably the only time it is referenced. I believe this is healthy in moving forward in life.
First, I began moving slowly, observing myself. I was told that the total time that I was married should be cut in half and that is the amount of time that it will take to heal. Another 10 years? I decided to cut that in half and then cut it in half again. Two and a half years...I'm here.
This may not work for everyone but it works for me and this is in no particular order...
- move slowly
- pray
- listen to others speak... it has helped me remain consistent in choosing my surrounding circle.
- surrounding myself with positive people and positive energy
- laugh
- at times, being quiet and BE STILL
- "Lather" day & night aromatherapy balm - keeps me at ease all day
- candles
- turning the cell phone off - learning to enjoy being alone
- reading meaningful literature and books
- I taught myself that loneliness was ok instead of allowing it to consume me. Embrace it and figure out JUST WHO YOU ARE.
- meditate
- basketball...attend games and watch on television
- friends...found new ones
- the beach
- crying tears of joy instead of holding them in... it's healthy for me
- became MORE humble
- became MORE compassionate
- became MORE helpful
- attend church
- allowed my gratitude for life to overflow and be seen which enhanced my blessings
- blocked and deleted some people so I am unable to call or hear from them...it works both ways
- I stopped blaming people and took responsibility for my own actions
- I have truly learned my self worth. THIS SHOULD BE NUMBER 1
- watched my tone, attitude and speech when talking to my children and others
- fasting
- juicing
- learned to forgive freely
- I am still working on removing profanity from my vocabulary
- I learned to speak up
- became more encouraging
- exercise
- I reminded myself everyday that LOVE DOES EXIST
SELF LOVE is what is important and I note this with all humility.
It Feels Good To Be Back...
After being away from my blog for nearly one year to the day, I decided to get back to it! So many things have happened in a years time. When I left last, I spoke about life After My Move. Protecting my children, my appreciation for animals, life, nature. I spoke about loneliness and peace of mind... Oh it feels so good to be back, smiling as I type this.
Since my last post, a lot has happened BUT...LIFE IS STILL GOOD. I have met a few new friends which in the past I forbid myself from doing. I opened myself to more people and great opportunities for myself and my children. I began taking care of my grandfather and I also lost my grandfather on my birthday...LIFE IS STILL GOOD. My oldest daughter graduated high school and she's heading to college in the BIG APPLE...NYC. My youngest daughter made it on the cheer squad at school and she loves it! For the first time in over two years since our move, we have been able to take a vacation. Kobi visited Peru and Kelli and I visited Cabo San Lucas. We have been blessed beyond measure.
Everything good is happening. I rid myself of negative energy, thoughts, people and situations. Entertaining people that I no longer have much in common with or really people who I cannot hold conversations with no longer have a place in my life and that's ok. I'm not insinuating that I am better than anyone, I am saying that it no longer works for my life. I must be fed mentally enabling growth. My outlook has evolved and I have grown as a woman, mother, sister, aunt and friend. On my worst day, it is still a great day and I choose that. I choose happiness, I choose to smile everyday, I choose kindness and compassion. I choose honesty. I choose to encourage others in an effort to make it a world reality. I am more humble now than I have ever been in my life.
Life Is Good!
Sunday, June 14, 2015
After My Move
After my move, I became even more protective over my children and myself. My girls couldn't understand why I was so protective. It was because from this point forward, I no longer had a second pair of eyes to help me with them. It was extremely important that I set the tone for the way that our new home would run. Months after, they understood my reasoning.
I found myself trying to figure out how to recreate my life. Learning myself over again. Moving slowly, and actually taking the time to notice things. The very first thing that I took an interest in was the hummingbird. Never a lover of birds, I thought that they were beautiful! It seemed as though one would visit my office window everyday! So much to the point that I began looking for it and when I saw it, I would smile. The next thing that caught my attention was listening to birds chirping and singing throughout the day. The sound was soothing to me where prior to my move, things were chaotic and I couldn't hear a thing. I began teaching myself how to appreciate nature and things that money could not buy. Thus giving me a new appreciation for my own life and life in general.
I've never been a big lover of plants. I found myself taking care of one plant, observing the leaves and watching it come to life as I cared for it. I looked at people in a different way because my daily outlook was now permanently altered based on a decision that I made. It made me gentle to what others may be experiencing. Companionship was gone but life was/is still good. I'm lonelier than I've ever been in my life but I have THE MOST peace of mind than I've ever had in my life and peace of mind is priceless. I was talking to a friend of mine in 2006 and I will never forget the words that were spoken. He said "It's ok to step your lifestyle down to secure your happiness" and he was correct. Ok, so I'm not in a two story four bedroom home with a pool, movie theatre and all of the creature comforts that I am accustomed to. I'm in a condo, I have my faith, grace, mercy, children, love, freedom and peace of mind.
I'm happy!
I found myself trying to figure out how to recreate my life. Learning myself over again. Moving slowly, and actually taking the time to notice things. The very first thing that I took an interest in was the hummingbird. Never a lover of birds, I thought that they were beautiful! It seemed as though one would visit my office window everyday! So much to the point that I began looking for it and when I saw it, I would smile. The next thing that caught my attention was listening to birds chirping and singing throughout the day. The sound was soothing to me where prior to my move, things were chaotic and I couldn't hear a thing. I began teaching myself how to appreciate nature and things that money could not buy. Thus giving me a new appreciation for my own life and life in general.
I've never been a big lover of plants. I found myself taking care of one plant, observing the leaves and watching it come to life as I cared for it. I looked at people in a different way because my daily outlook was now permanently altered based on a decision that I made. It made me gentle to what others may be experiencing. Companionship was gone but life was/is still good. I'm lonelier than I've ever been in my life but I have THE MOST peace of mind than I've ever had in my life and peace of mind is priceless. I was talking to a friend of mine in 2006 and I will never forget the words that were spoken. He said "It's ok to step your lifestyle down to secure your happiness" and he was correct. Ok, so I'm not in a two story four bedroom home with a pool, movie theatre and all of the creature comforts that I am accustomed to. I'm in a condo, I have my faith, grace, mercy, children, love, freedom and peace of mind.
I'm happy!
Friday, February 20, 2015
He & I
As the years went on, I felt myself becoming resentful and pulling away from my husband. It was hard for me and I know it had to be hard for him as well. Being the head of your household, always having control of your family and all of a sudden you slowly feel it slipping from your grasp. as time went on we became more involved in our own lives instead of a life as one. It was a Sunday evening that we were home together still trying to function as a family through it all, when our precious grandmother was called home. God blessed us all and we were literally right there with her.
As expected, we had an outpour of love, support and affection from family, friends, extended family, church members, etc., but we still couldn't quite pull it together although we would still protect each other with every fiber of our being. The homegoing services for grandma were lovely and I was there as I should have been, picking out her clothes & accessories, nail polish, perfume, etc. Our love and commitment to her was beyond belief but for me it was my love for him that would allow me to continue to give selflessly until she was completely laid to rest.
Our life was different without her there. The void was very loud. We missed her so much. So much that I became a certified Ombudsman volunteering to monitor seven elderly care facilities, reporting elderly abuse in the Inland Empire. I felt if I could help one more person or multiple people, then my heart would be fulfilled. I eventually found a full time job and had to force myself to move on. It was a great start personally but the marriage still needed help and guidance that it didn't seem like it was going to get. We were functioning everyday separately and co parenting very well. The one lane that we ALWAYS manage to see eye to eye was and still is our children. A true blessing. We talked and talked until we were blue in the face trying to figure it out and I realized that this may have had nothing at all to do with him, but everything to do with me. After my mother was called home in June 2013, I could no longer try and try. It was a reality check to me that this life is very short and if I was lucky enough to live as long as my mother did, then I only have another nineteen years of life left and I need to move forward with whatever God had in store for me. I let my husband know exactly how I felt, we discussed our feelings and I began packing to move out of the only home that our family knew. No hate nor malicious intent involved. All love with no hard feelings from me. I had no idea how it was all going to work out but for the first time in my life, I had to step out on faith and I did just that. It was time to move my feet.
As expected, we had an outpour of love, support and affection from family, friends, extended family, church members, etc., but we still couldn't quite pull it together although we would still protect each other with every fiber of our being. The homegoing services for grandma were lovely and I was there as I should have been, picking out her clothes & accessories, nail polish, perfume, etc. Our love and commitment to her was beyond belief but for me it was my love for him that would allow me to continue to give selflessly until she was completely laid to rest.
Our life was different without her there. The void was very loud. We missed her so much. So much that I became a certified Ombudsman volunteering to monitor seven elderly care facilities, reporting elderly abuse in the Inland Empire. I felt if I could help one more person or multiple people, then my heart would be fulfilled. I eventually found a full time job and had to force myself to move on. It was a great start personally but the marriage still needed help and guidance that it didn't seem like it was going to get. We were functioning everyday separately and co parenting very well. The one lane that we ALWAYS manage to see eye to eye was and still is our children. A true blessing. We talked and talked until we were blue in the face trying to figure it out and I realized that this may have had nothing at all to do with him, but everything to do with me. After my mother was called home in June 2013, I could no longer try and try. It was a reality check to me that this life is very short and if I was lucky enough to live as long as my mother did, then I only have another nineteen years of life left and I need to move forward with whatever God had in store for me. I let my husband know exactly how I felt, we discussed our feelings and I began packing to move out of the only home that our family knew. No hate nor malicious intent involved. All love with no hard feelings from me. I had no idea how it was all going to work out but for the first time in my life, I had to step out on faith and I did just that. It was time to move my feet.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Imagine...
Imagine yourself in the prime of your life, having to repeat this cycle over and over again through the course of nine years. At this moment in time, my life wasn't my own. I couldn't even give my girls the time that they needed because SO MUCH of my time went into caring for this other human being and she was a beautiful soul. We made sure that she had every annual pass to every amusement park that we had a pass too. I bathed her everyday, lotioning her pliable skin taking care not to brush too hard as elderly skin is easy to tear.
I was her hairstylist, washing, conditioning, trimming, pressing and curling her hair every two weeks. I became her pharmacy technician, learning the different effects that the medication had on her and adjusting them accordingly. I also became her esthetician making sure that her manicure and pedicure were given regularly. I was her chef. At times as she got older and had no desire to eat, I prepared ONE thing that she would eat well and keep weight on her. I was her caregiver, her granddaughter in law and we were friends. At one point, due to deterioration of her health, she would have what the doctor called mini strokes. She had SEVERAL where she would become paralyzed at times. I would massage the affected area literally for days or how ever long it took to circulate her blood until she gained full mobility back. The doctor told us that she only had six months to live and she lived six more years!
Her doctor said I don't know what you're doing for her but whatever it is, it's working. So much to the point that she had a stroke and went into the hospital and her dementia began to take over as she was in unfamiliar territory and I asked her doctor to please release her so that she could come home to something familiar and again, he did and she bounced right back. My knowledge of taking care of the elderly I received from my mother. That was her profession for many years. My girls were extremely resilient during this time. In a way I feel awful and for many years resentful because I can only remember taking care of her during this time. I hardly recall anything other than birthday's and at times I need pictures to refresh my memory. Occasionally I would meet friends and go out as a release but it wasn't really a release because before leaving, I would have to make dinner for everyone, wait until they finished and make sure that afterwards, grandma was changed and in her pajamas and our girls were too. It was a lot of work.
Although it was work, she was witty and had a great since of humor and I think we all appreciated that. We were friends and I enjoyed listening to her stories of the past and more so learning from her. While I allowed her to keep her dignity by learning her, watching her over the years and caring for her as if she was caring for herself, she taught me how to be selfless. She taught me to be more gentle with my children. She was a grandmother and her tone taught me how to speak, I learned to listen and I became a stronger person inside although I felt my body breaking down at times from lifting her and pushing her wheelchair.
For months, we hired a family friend to help us out for four hours a day and as an outlet, I found a part time job. I could only work four days per week for four hours per day as I needed to pick up our girls from school and go home to release the caregiver and take over in caring for grandma. This didn't last too long but it definitely helped me...
I was her hairstylist, washing, conditioning, trimming, pressing and curling her hair every two weeks. I became her pharmacy technician, learning the different effects that the medication had on her and adjusting them accordingly. I also became her esthetician making sure that her manicure and pedicure were given regularly. I was her chef. At times as she got older and had no desire to eat, I prepared ONE thing that she would eat well and keep weight on her. I was her caregiver, her granddaughter in law and we were friends. At one point, due to deterioration of her health, she would have what the doctor called mini strokes. She had SEVERAL where she would become paralyzed at times. I would massage the affected area literally for days or how ever long it took to circulate her blood until she gained full mobility back. The doctor told us that she only had six months to live and she lived six more years!
Her doctor said I don't know what you're doing for her but whatever it is, it's working. So much to the point that she had a stroke and went into the hospital and her dementia began to take over as she was in unfamiliar territory and I asked her doctor to please release her so that she could come home to something familiar and again, he did and she bounced right back. My knowledge of taking care of the elderly I received from my mother. That was her profession for many years. My girls were extremely resilient during this time. In a way I feel awful and for many years resentful because I can only remember taking care of her during this time. I hardly recall anything other than birthday's and at times I need pictures to refresh my memory. Occasionally I would meet friends and go out as a release but it wasn't really a release because before leaving, I would have to make dinner for everyone, wait until they finished and make sure that afterwards, grandma was changed and in her pajamas and our girls were too. It was a lot of work.
Although it was work, she was witty and had a great since of humor and I think we all appreciated that. We were friends and I enjoyed listening to her stories of the past and more so learning from her. While I allowed her to keep her dignity by learning her, watching her over the years and caring for her as if she was caring for herself, she taught me how to be selfless. She taught me to be more gentle with my children. She was a grandmother and her tone taught me how to speak, I learned to listen and I became a stronger person inside although I felt my body breaking down at times from lifting her and pushing her wheelchair.
For months, we hired a family friend to help us out for four hours a day and as an outlet, I found a part time job. I could only work four days per week for four hours per day as I needed to pick up our girls from school and go home to release the caregiver and take over in caring for grandma. This didn't last too long but it definitely helped me...
Monday, January 12, 2015
Caring For Grandma and Making It Work
Although we had to care for his grandmother who lived about an hour away, together we managed to do it. Our love, patience and endurance helped. Every other weekend, I would pack up our girls, his clothes and mine & as a family we would take the drive down to the city. We would stay with her and clean, fill her medicine container for the week, grocery shop and cook meals for her preparing them in storage containers to be held in the freezer for the week so that she could conveniently take a container and place it in the microwave oven if she was hungry. This would last about two years and we were consistent. At times, a family friend would step in for us and pick her up for dinner which was a nice change in pace for her.
In 2003 as time passed and her health began to fail, she decided to sell her home in the city and buy a smaller home closer to us. It was a blessing. We no longer had to make the trip down to the city packing up the girls, their toys and our things for the weekend. Still a job that had to be completed, but now I had to make an adjustment including her into our everyday life. For a young woman just starting her family and looking forward to only caring for her immediate family, this was no easy task but manageable.
My daily routine for years would consist of caring for two homes and five people. Wake up, get my children ready for the day, make them breakfast, drop my oldest off at school, drive to grandma's home, wake her up, lay out her clothes, make her breakfast, sit her medicine and breakfast on her table and head back to my house to prepare dinner and get it out of the way early. Next was teaching my youngest daughter her beginning education basics. When she went down for her nap, then it was time for laundry, sweeping, dusting, feeding the dog etc. until it was time to get our oldest from school. I'd pick her up, swing by and pick up grandma (so that she could spend time with us and we could have dinner together), sit down and help our oldest with her homework and daily reading, greet my husband, serve dinner everyday about five o'clock, bring grandma home and help her change for bed, give her the night medication, come home bathe our girls, take a shower, make love to my husband, fall asleep, wake up and prepare to do it all over again....
In 2003 as time passed and her health began to fail, she decided to sell her home in the city and buy a smaller home closer to us. It was a blessing. We no longer had to make the trip down to the city packing up the girls, their toys and our things for the weekend. Still a job that had to be completed, but now I had to make an adjustment including her into our everyday life. For a young woman just starting her family and looking forward to only caring for her immediate family, this was no easy task but manageable.
My daily routine for years would consist of caring for two homes and five people. Wake up, get my children ready for the day, make them breakfast, drop my oldest off at school, drive to grandma's home, wake her up, lay out her clothes, make her breakfast, sit her medicine and breakfast on her table and head back to my house to prepare dinner and get it out of the way early. Next was teaching my youngest daughter her beginning education basics. When she went down for her nap, then it was time for laundry, sweeping, dusting, feeding the dog etc. until it was time to get our oldest from school. I'd pick her up, swing by and pick up grandma (so that she could spend time with us and we could have dinner together), sit down and help our oldest with her homework and daily reading, greet my husband, serve dinner everyday about five o'clock, bring grandma home and help her change for bed, give her the night medication, come home bathe our girls, take a shower, make love to my husband, fall asleep, wake up and prepare to do it all over again....
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