After My Move

 After my move, I became even more protective over my children and myself. My girls couldn't understand why I was so protective. It was because from this point forward, I no longer had a second pair of eyes to help me with them. It was extremely important that I set the tone for the way that our new home would run. Months after, they understood my reasoning.

I found myself trying to figure out how to recreate my life. Learning myself over again. Moving slowly, and actually taking the time to notice things. The very first thing that I took an interest in was the hummingbird. Never a lover of birds, I thought that they were beautiful! It seemed as though one would visit my office window everyday! So much to the point that I began looking for it and when I saw it, I would smile. The next thing that caught my attention was listening to birds chirping and singing throughout the day. The sound was soothing to me where prior to my move, things were chaotic and I couldn't hear a thing.  I began teaching myself how to appreciate nature and things that money could not buy. Thus giving me a new appreciation for my own life and life in general.

I've never been a big lover of plants. I found myself taking care of one plant, observing the leaves and watching it come to life as I cared for it. I looked at people in a different way because my daily outlook was now permanently altered based on a decision that I made. It made me gentle to what others may be experiencing. Companionship was gone but life was/is still good. I'm lonelier than I've ever been in my life but I have THE MOST peace of mind than I've ever had in my life and peace of mind is priceless. I was talking to a friend of mine in 2006 and I will never forget the words that were spoken. He said "It's ok to step your lifestyle down to secure your happiness" and he was correct. Ok, so I'm not in a two story four bedroom home with a pool, movie theatre and all of the creature comforts that I am accustomed to. I'm in a condo, I have my faith, grace, mercy, children, love, freedom and peace of mind.

I'm happy!

He & I

As the years went on, I felt  myself becoming resentful and pulling away from my husband. It was hard for me and I know it had to be hard for him as well. Being the head of your household, always having control of your family and all of a sudden you slowly feel it slipping from your grasp. as time went on we became more involved in our own lives instead of a life as one. It was a Sunday evening that we were home together still trying to function as a family through it all, when our precious grandmother was called home. God blessed us all and we were literally right there with her.

As expected, we had an outpour of love, support and affection from family, friends, extended family, church members, etc., but we still couldn't quite pull it together although we would still protect each other with every fiber of our being. The homegoing services for grandma were lovely and I was there as I should have been, picking out her clothes & accessories, nail polish, perfume, etc. Our love and commitment to her was beyond belief but for me it was my love for him that would allow me to continue to give selflessly until she was completely laid to rest.

Our life was different without her there. The void was very loud. We missed her so much. So much  that I became a certified Ombudsman volunteering to monitor seven elderly care facilities, reporting elderly abuse in the Inland Empire. I felt if I could help one more person or multiple people, then my heart would be fulfilled. I eventually found a full time job and had to force myself to move on. It was a great start personally but the marriage still needed help and guidance that it didn't seem like it was going to get. We were functioning everyday separately and co parenting very well. The one lane that we ALWAYS manage to see eye to eye was and still is our children. A true blessing. We talked and talked until we were blue in the face trying to figure it out and I realized that this may have had nothing at all to do with him, but everything to do with me. After my mother was called home in June 2013, I could no longer try and try. It was a reality check to me that this life is very short and if I was lucky enough to live as long as my mother did, then I only have another nineteen years of life left and I need to move forward with whatever God had in store for me. I let my husband know exactly how I felt, we discussed our feelings and I began packing to move out of the only home that our family knew. No hate nor malicious intent involved. All love with no hard feelings from me. I had no idea how it was all going to work out but for the first time in my life, I had to step out on faith and I did just that. It was time to move my feet.

Imagine...

Imagine yourself in the prime of your life, having to repeat this cycle over and over again through the course of nine years. At this moment in time, my life wasn't my own. I couldn't even give my girls the time that they needed because SO MUCH of my time went into caring for this other human being and she was a beautiful soul. We made sure that she had every annual pass to every amusement park that we had a pass too. I bathed her everyday, lotioning her pliable skin taking care not to brush too hard as elderly skin is easy to tear.
I was her hairstylist, washing, conditioning, trimming, pressing and curling her hair every two weeks. I became her pharmacy technician, learning the different effects that the medication had on her and adjusting them accordingly. I also became her esthetician making sure that her manicure and pedicure were given regularly. I was her chef. At times as she got older and had no desire to eat, I prepared ONE thing that she would eat well and keep weight on her. I was her caregiver, her granddaughter in law and we were friends. At one point, due to deterioration of her health, she would have what the doctor called mini strokes. She had SEVERAL where she would become paralyzed at times. I would massage the affected area literally for days or how ever long it took to circulate her blood until she gained full mobility back. The doctor told us that she only had six months to live and she lived six more years!
Her doctor said I don't know what you're doing for her but whatever it is, it's working. So much to the point that she had a stroke and went into the hospital and her dementia began to take over as she was in unfamiliar territory and I asked her doctor to please release her so that she could come home to something familiar and again, he did and she bounced right back. My knowledge of taking care of the elderly I received from my mother. That was her profession for many years. My girls were extremely resilient during this time. In a way I feel awful and for many years resentful because I can only remember taking care of her during this time. I hardly recall anything other than birthday's and at times I need pictures to refresh my memory. Occasionally I would meet friends and go out as a release but it wasn't really a release because before leaving, I would have to make dinner for everyone, wait until they finished and make sure that afterwards, grandma was changed and in her pajamas and our girls were too. It was a lot of work.
Although it was work, she was witty and had a great since of humor and I think we all appreciated that. We were friends and I enjoyed listening to her stories of the past and more so learning from her. While I allowed her to keep her dignity by learning her, watching her over the years and caring for her as if she was caring for herself, she taught me how to be selfless. She taught me to be more gentle with my children. She was a grandmother and her tone taught me how to speak, I learned to listen and I became a stronger person inside although I felt my body breaking down at times from lifting her and pushing her wheelchair.
For months, we hired a family friend to help us out for four hours a day and as an outlet, I found a part time job. I could only work four days per week for four hours per day as I needed to pick up our girls from school and go home to release the caregiver and take over in caring for grandma. This didn't last too long but it definitely helped me...

Caring For Grandma and Making It Work

Although we had to care for his grandmother who lived about an hour away, together we managed to do it. Our love, patience and endurance helped. Every other weekend, I would pack up our girls, his clothes and mine & as a family we would take the drive down to the city. We would stay with her and  clean, fill her medicine container for the week, grocery shop and cook meals for her preparing them in storage containers to be held in the freezer for the week so that she could conveniently take a container and place it in the microwave oven if she was hungry. This would last about two years and we were consistent. At  times, a family friend would step in for us and pick her up for dinner  which was a nice change in pace for her.
In 2003 as time passed and her health began to fail, she decided to sell her home in the city and buy a smaller home closer to us. It was a blessing. We no longer had to make the trip down to the city packing up the girls, their toys and our things for the weekend. Still a job that had to be completed, but now I had to make an adjustment including her into our everyday life. For a young woman just starting her family and looking forward to only caring for her immediate family, this was no easy task but manageable.
My daily routine for years would consist of caring for two homes and five people. Wake up, get my children ready for the day, make them breakfast, drop my oldest off at school, drive to grandma's home, wake her up, lay out her clothes, make her breakfast, sit her medicine and breakfast on her table and head back to my house to prepare dinner and get it out of the way early. Next was teaching my youngest daughter her beginning education basics. When she went down for her nap, then it was time for laundry, sweeping, dusting, feeding the dog etc. until it was time to get our oldest from school. I'd pick her up, swing by and pick up grandma (so that she could spend time with us and we could have dinner together), sit down and help our oldest with her homework and daily reading, greet my husband, serve dinner everyday about five o'clock, bring grandma home and help her change for bed, give her the night medication, come home bathe our girls, take a shower, make love to my husband, fall asleep, wake up and prepare to do it all over again....

The End of Our Seventh

Towards the end of our seventh year, we were planning, we were packing our things to move into another home which would come to be the only home that we all would know. We were planning on getting married and we had all of the love and support that anyone couple could ask for. Our parents and siblings were wonderful. Everyone wanted a hand in what was going on. It was beautiful. Then, twenty days after our second child was born, just sixteen days before we were due to get married, my husbands world crashed. His mother passed away. It was a horrific day. I thought we should put our wedding off until a later date but he disagreed and we continued on with our plan.

I could see a change in him and rightfully so. He became snappy and a bit more controlling. Now the girls, his grandmother and I became the nucleus of his world and he kept us all under tight reigns. His mother was his very best friend. So much to the point that she seemed more of a soulmate to him than I ever had the chance to be. I was looking forward to marrying him so that I could finally have a great relationship with her. She was an excellent mother and friend.

 I will never forget several instances during this period of time. I thought that having to console him during this time would bring us together, make us stronger and allow us to lean on one another during his time of grieving but it never happened that way. His comfort was placed in other people and things began to flourish right before my eyes. I knew with all certainty that he loved me but I still wasn't first. The respect and the way that a man should uphold his wife was missing.

Still steady on our path, we now had his grandmother to check on...

Seven Years Later

While dating and living together, my ex paid for me to go to Cosmetology school. He said this way I would have something of my own and no one could take it away from me. He knew the power of independence. He was a graduate of Pepperdine University and a Police Officer.

 Seven years later, we decided to have a child and three years after that we would have our second child. Two girls, our greatest accomplishments! My ex afforded me the opportunity to stay home and raise our children which was a true gift in that I was able to nurture them, breast feed them, whisper words of love into their ears, I was able to instill confidence and spirituality into them. They had manners and you could see that these children were well kept. They were and still are on a schedule. I did my best to run my home like a business. It was the very least that I could do for someone so generous willing to work for his family... Many times, multiple jobs. Whatever I had to do to make our family work, I did it from caring for our children to cleaning the swimming pool to mending and ironing clothes, to grooming our dog, to driving him to work and picking him up so that he could rest in the car from the long hours of work, to cutting his hair. We were a team! I was a proud wife, he was a proud husband and our family was our world. I had no problem catering to my husband. Our love for one another was apparent but so was his control. I did whatever I could to make sure that my families needs were met daily. Our children were happy and we were in love.

Comfortable In My Own Skin

Once I became comfortable in my own skin, meaning I wasn't concerned with what people had to say about my relationship, I began to enjoy it. My ex traveled the world before we were together and I must say that he did his best to make sure that we traveled also.

Our years of dating were fun although at times I slipped into insecure spaces when faced with older more experienced women. He seemed to have a connection with everyone that he came in contact with and I became an on looker at times as flirting went on right before my eyes. I honestly do not believe that his intention was to disrespect me, it was more so a combination of my insecurity and his lack of attention to the way in which his words came across.

At this point I realized that I had to become Comfortable In My Own Skin if I had plans on my relationship working. I have never been one to argue or expect someone else to change. Instead, I look at myself and ask, "what can I do to change myself?" How can I alter what I'm doing to make a large enough impact on another person's life that they will deem me important enough to change on their own. This is a method that I have seen work yet it is not always as effective as we would like it to be. Nonetheless, Once you become comfortable with yourself, you can begin to move forward. Remember that in a relationship if two people become selfless and completely open, there leaves little room for error. Try it for a day!

A Small Overview

After being with my ex husband for over 20 years, dating and living together for 7 years and married for 14 years, I was encouraged by family and friends to create this blog. The blog not only serves as an area in which I share some of the same peace and pain as others but it also allows many people to share their thoughts and experiences with me and to simply release it so that life is lived abundantly. It's a common ground for people to willingly interact. 

I met my ex-husband when I was 18 years old and he was 33 years old. I am now 40. More evolved, much wiser and for once in life, I feel as though I have a voice and I am making decisions for my own life and for my children's lives without second guessing myself or asking for permission as a sign of approval that what I am doing is correct. 

At 18 I was molded quickly. Learning to carry myself in an older manner to fit into the crowd that we were around. It was a blessing because I learned a lot but still hard because of jokes being made, jokes that I didn't get due to my lack of experience also conversation that I had to keep up with.

It took a while before I earned the respect of the company that we kept, friends and relatives. I was very passive and wanted to please everyone especially my husband without taking notice that I wasn't pleasing myself. This went on for years.